These are the dog days of summer. The sun is hot, the ground is dry. Rivers are dry, and lakes grow shallow. The corn grows tall and lush ears this time of year. Lazy afternoons staying cool in the shadows and talk of school staring is on everyone’s mind. But inside..inside my heart, it is raining. Again. The sadness creeps in. The memories vivid.
One more time I struggle. Why does housing have to be so hard. I just need time. I throw this out there as this is a catalyst for my sadness. Jesus told his disciples not to worry over daily stuff as he himself didn’t have a place to lay his own head, yet he slept.
For me the whispers of rain not only come as slight damp misting, but torrential storms. Grief, pain, sadness, self degradation, all roll through. Small rays of sun do shine through. I hold each ray of the sun so tightly and appreciate them. Life can not be all one as there would be no appreciation for the other. However, these rainy days seem to be causing more flooding and havoc then moist nutrition for the soul.
I am visiting friends this weekend, and for the first time in a long rainy period, I actually feel a bit of sun and had to write. I am still so isolated and alone these last few months. I thought I could find someone on a dating website. All those websites did was show me how horrible men could be. Ghosting…cat fishing….easy hook ups…none of that is for me. Ever.
The thought of dating after carrying all this grief for so long by myself makes me shudder. God knows how lonely I am, He will have to do something as I refuse to. These thoughts only bring more whispers of rain into my heart. I have to try and live even though, through four hours of driving I argued with God, that I didn’t want to live in this world any more.
I leave it there…I am done writing for another stretch of time. God knows who I am and what is the purpose I hold. So I will keep seeking Him and keep struggling through these whispers of rain and I will hope to see a rainbow that promises a beautiful sun.