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Whispers of the Precipice

The top. The tippy tip top. The highest peak. What does it look like? Is it a mountain top? Or is it a life goal achievement? Is it scary, unnerving, frustrating, or maybe awesome and unspeakable? How many do we get in a life time…one…two…or none? Are there moments of exhilaration upon arrival?

When you get “old like me” (I’ve always wanted to say that), loads of time is spent reflecting. Especially when wrestling with traumatic incidents. Thoughts of “what was my role”, or “what was wrong with me” float in and out of the mind. Other times just pondering the moments of life gone by. Each held and felt and touched like an expensive strand of pearls.

Grasping for wisdom becomes the waking prayer and the final sigh at night. I need it now. The cliff that seemed so big is now bigger. It is surely death to jump. So I began navigating another route down this mountain. This peak was not fun. It was not excessively impressive. It was just a plateau. One that left me in a strange state.

Where do I go from here? I look through the Word of God. I go to the stories of the Old Testament. Each character had moments like this. Large choices were made. King David stood on the balcony, at the peak of his reign, and made a choice. Gideon when faced with an army many times bigger then his, made a choice and sent half his men home. One man sinned and changed the path of life for many and caused death, the other won a most impressive battle that gave many people a safe and prosperous life.

I stand on this plateau and with each passing day, I know that first of all, I am not a king nor am I a commanding soldier. So if I make the wrong choice, I know only forgiveness. People will think I have totally lost my mind, one more time. But, here goes…one more time…stepping out in more faith..into an unknown future. I will follow God, to the best of my abilities, no matter what. This path is different then the others that brought me here. I will continue to pray..I will hold each of the memories as a cherished expensive pearl, bathed in the tears of a daughter who whispers …”I trust You God to guide me every step, every thought, every action”…even at the very bottom of the cliff.

Psalm 31:19 Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men!

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Whispers of What

These days are filled with constant conversations in my head. I talk to God. I think some people just “talk” in their own heads. Not me. I talk to God as if He were right here in front of me. This is what I am whispering to God.

“God, You know”.

“You know how incompetent I am. “

“I made a small mistake. It is nothing. Why is it, God (less I forget who I am talking with), that I work so hard to help and cover everyone’s back, yet no one has mine.”

“Wait, I know who has my back, it is You. Jesus, all my mistakes are forgiven, right? You promised that right? Please God, wash me today in Your River. Wash me clean.”

“But I need. I am the most needy person. Oh God, I am so glad you don’t judge me too needy by the worlds standards. You can have all my neediness”

This is how I constantly discuss my life with God. Each day I find something more I am not capable of dealing with. Sometimes the whisper is — “Hey God, You got this one right? I can’t hold on any more. You take it”.

How is your relationship with your creator? The future looks so promising. If only this then that the the next, and I will be ok. Yet God says. “Come unto Me all who are weary”.

I am waiting. Waiting on answered prayer. Waiting on guidance. Once need is answered there is another right behind it. I trust in the promise – “when I trust in You, God, with all my heart, and I lean on Your understanding not mine. When all my ways are following Your Guidance, then You show me the way to go”. (Prob 3:5,6) (my phrasing only)

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Whispers of the Cliff

I stood on a cliff. This cliff seems so tall. So giant. So magnificent. So terrifying. The whisper that I hear is that I can’t do what is asked of me. As of about 15 minutes ago, I have been shaking inside. Vibrating. Flat out praying. On my face interceding. The minutes…hours…building up to this, I walked and prayed all after noon. I am boldly stepping out there. It is done. This major, incredible beginning step. My $200 deposit for school is in. Paid for.


If you have been reading all of these blogs, I thank you, and I wonder why. What is it that speaks to you? My failures? My tears? My loss? I hope that somewhere in this blog blog, the quiet whispers of God are calling to you. Reaching out through words and touching you. Because of God I have to take this step. i step out for one reason. 30 years ago I stood up and said I wanted God to direct my path. I stood up saying that I would do all that I could to be a whisper to those around me to point the way to heaven.


June 27 2014 around 7:30pm my world..my life..my dreams..my everything shifted. I realized in those moments, I had to let myself accept, that the only person in this world who loved me and accepted me for who I was, was now in heaven and no longer here with me. I do walk this road, this future, this life alone. For now. I have been to the bottom. I have no choice but start again. The thing is, this is not what I have to remind myself of. This walk is not alone inside me. I have the Holy Spirit, I have the presence of God, I have Jesus. Walking with me. Guiding me. Showing me how to love. How to sacrifice. How to work at being in Gods presence, not my selfish needs.


When a team begins to falter, or lose sight of the prize, a good coach helps the team by taking them back to the beginning. My Coach has been doing that with me for 6 years now. My hope is build on the faithfulness of Christ. My future stems off of the True Vine, i am but branches. I must bear fruit. The burden to be anything but a voice of hope for my Creator is strong. So very strong. I can not walk away. I walk forward, I expect my Way-maker, Miracle-Worker, Promise-Keeper will be opening amazing doors in the few months ahead.

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Whispers of another Day

Shhhh…..another Monday. This one was different. This one was painful. I didn’t want to go to sleep for the last three nights. I hated the sun coming up. My world had changed so suddenly. This time I didn’t want to be noticed. I didn’t want my children to look at me. The tears would not stop inside. The darkness seemed so overwhelming. I felt like it was my fault. How did I do this thing called living. I don’t remember who was even there.

The singing was over for awhile. I tried. I forced myself to be what was expected. But I failed. I failed as a mother. I failed as a wife. I had failed my beloved family. most of all I had failed myself.

That confident, strong willed young girl disappeared in a blink. No longer the one vibrating for attention and just wanting to spend time with some one. I was no longer the one chosen. I was stunned. How do I reach forward when I continually get slapped by life.

It will be 6 years this summer. I take stock at this. There has to be a measuring stick somewhere that shows how far I’ve still to go. I am still pushed at. The unstoppable stare. The silent phone. The obligatory well wishes. I still don’t have it in me to pick up the phone myself. Will that ever come back? I only call my kids…only one person calls me. I just don’t know how to do any more then what I am. But I know it is not enough.

I will sludge onward.

Philippians 3:14 King James Version (KJV)

I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

The word press implies there is effort, strong against all odds moving forward. This is the state I find myself. Still. Figuring out – constantly asking God for directions. This life is one that holds no expectations, just an answer. A nudge. A whisper. Yahweh is with me. He has never left me. He has plans. The world is beautiful and He knows me better then I know myself.

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Whispers from the Car

Over the years I have spent loads of time in a vehicle. On my way to work or out with the family. My favorite time is on my way to and from work. Most of my work years I have worked 30 or more minutes away from my house. This allows for plenty of time to sing, pray, brood, and even mourn.

This morning on my way into an empty office, to a job that pays the bills, that I don’t even like very much, I had a temper tantrum again with God. There were no whispers. There was a loud voice and of course, tears. I am beyond frustrated. I am a down right infuriately angry.

Let me tell you a short story. A young girl, around 9 or maybe 10 years old. Every Saturday morning as most children would get to watch cartoons, she would rush to the breakfast table to await her daddy. This was going to be the day she would get chosen. Her siblings seem to just float into the room while she would do her best to be the one chosen. Maybe today she would go with him.

You see, the promise was not just getting to spend time with her daddy. The promise was to go into the hospital with him. Her precious daddy was a very important man. He was a doctor. She would ache to go with him. Not just for the treats that inevitably came her way, but the smell of the hospital. The wonderful people that were there. Sick people who needed help and the ones who could give that help. The bustle of activity to the quiet hallways had such an allure about them. This was the place to be.

This story ended…life shifted. The little girl grew up not knowing where she belonged. My most precious times were taking care of home and hearth. Teaching my children, loving my husband, serving where needed..helping to provide for the family. Then after many joyous years, life shifted again. The joy of family turned ugly. The one who so selfless loved me was ripped suddenly from my life. I was left to deal with providing for the family. So I stepped up and did what I could. I took the job that opened in front of me. Am i good at it, yes. But I don’t love it.

If your wanting to read more…stay tuned…a follow up will be coming…. leave a note..let me know your thoughts…

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Whispers from the grave

Jesus spent time between the cross and the resurrection. The only thing we know is he did not spend it in heaven with his father. In John 20:17 Jesus told Mary not to touch him as he had not ascended to the Father. There are many theories out there.

I open with this on the eve before resurrection Sunday. I don’t really know why. Other then these last few months I feel like I have hit a brick wall. When I moved here my goals were housing, job, school. Well..housing is too far from school, job is ok as jobs go..thankful to have it right now, and housing is not great (but thankful to have it!). I did not expect to still be here a year later.

The whisper from the grave is hard. I miss my love so very much. Time has not dulled that one bit. The whispers I hear are twisted with what I think he would say to me if he were here. The words of affirmation he would say. “You got this hun”, “your so smart babe”, “keep smiling girl”, “your a great mother babe”. The list goes on. I have to draw on this daily to get through. Does this make me a week person? Maybe.

Jesus whispered from the grave. He whispers his love for us.

John 15:4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you.

John 15:9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.

John 14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.

The list is long, I listed only a few. I need to focus on the whispers of Jesus. The confidence He has for me. This road has been hard the last few months.

I am sorry I have not written as much. My confidence has been shaken yet again. The whispers of self condemnation were overwhelming. I must rise up. I must move forward. God has not failed me, yet I feel as though I failed him. His grace and mercy covers that and gives me hope to rise up one more day, one more time.

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Whispers of a Time

To fall asleep knowing that my God whispers sweet words of Christmas to me. He whispers such glorious news. Unto us is given a Savior. He is the Prince of Peace

The season is bright. Full of lights, full of noise. Full of people, full of events. Full of people, full of shopping. Full of smells, full of smiles. Full of music, full of joy.

The joy of the season. Last year in Ohio, I didn’t feel like Christmas. The house had sold and we were awaiting the closing date. I hardly remember anything but packing, and cleaning. I remember the loneliness. The ach in my heart. People abandoning home. Family too busy on their own agendas to spend any amount of time with me. Friends were busy with their own families.

This year, it will be quiet one more time. I don’t have my precious memories to display on the Christmas tree, they are packed away in storage back in Ohio. I do have my daughter. She is so very precious to me. She is in transition and will be sticking close to home and work. We have a few decorations she put up. She is so good at buying gifts and wrapping them. Me, I am lost, again. I have no gifts to give. This struggle to get on my feet has taken all of my resources. I have nothing left. What I had has been given away. No not to venders and bills alone, but to others who need more than me.

My heart is still shattered. My partner that helped guide me in life is not here. My world is still not right and it is not bright. I don’t know how to navigate. It is his birthday week. We would begin to celebrate him on his special day and every day for a week. His favorite dinners, his favorite t.v. shows. The kids would nag him about what he would want for gifts. He would always said “nothing”, and then tell them how much he loved them.  I tried to always have a special event planned for his celebration. One year it was hiring a limo to ride in with friends, and a trip around Minneapolis & St. Paul looking at Christmas lights. Another year we went to a Christmas concert down in St. Paul. We went snowmobiling for a day trip once. Each birthday was a memory of fun times, soft times, and loving times. Afterwards, we would focus on the kids, Christmas shopping, Christmas pageants, baking, and friends.

I wait at night. I strain my ears listening. For what? For an answer. Not to the usual questions of why. I just want my heart to hear. To fall asleep knowing that my God whispers sweet words of Christmas to me. He whispers such glorious news. Unto us is given a Savior. He is the Prince of Peace. The joy of knowing that love is whispered each and every time is such a comfort to my heart. I know that this year has been another hard one. Being homeless, depending on others, yes, it was difficult. Has it been the worst year ever? NO! There has been so much peace and joy. I have had to look harder for it. Praying and waiting on God more than ever. But I am here. I made it. My celebration is in Jesus. For this season, for this reason, I am here. God is good, all of the time.

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Whispers of Me

Who am I? Whose am I? Why am I?

I could tell a story about my childhood, however, that might not explain who I am. Times have changed. My environment has changed, even my body has changed. The carefree fun loving adventurous dare devil of a child is not who I am any more.

I spend many hours in my day contemplating life’s memories. Alone. I never dreamed I would be like this at such a young age. I thought I’d be in my 70s or 80s telling stories to my grandkids. Nope. Here I am reminiscing over the smallest memory. Rolling it around like a tire slogging through the mud. With all of my belongings in storage hundreds of miles away, I don’t even have pictures to look at. Just the sweet threads that pop up.

One of my memories is of college. I am stunned at how different life looks 30 years ago. I have to admit something. I chickened out. I got scared and caved. Sure I had a right to. I was only 17. I didn’t get a gap year. I was bent on doing two years at the school in one. I failed it. I did feel I could do it. I could not be a pastor back then. Women just didn’t. I was naive. I had no clue. I could not see more then a few years ahead. So I reacted and took the easy way out, thinking I couldn’t do it.

That was the first time I wrestled a demon called suicide. I was miserable that freshman year. I looked so hard for a way out. No one listened. My grades suffered to the point of almost getting kicked out. I was more scared of the permanent record then my ability to do the work. It was by the grace of God that i finished. I bent to the will of those around me, hoping and praying God would still use me, and did the best I could while struggling for my own identity. So, I chose. I chose the path of least resistance. The pressure released and I did the full three years.

Did I pick a hard road to walk? Yes. But, then I have always done everything the hard way. There are so many great times. Each one a pearl that could form a very long and beautiful necklace. I have no regrets. None. God has held me in sorrow, cheered me in joy, pushed me gently forward. The pearls of memory are the warm gems that sustain me. They remind me. They tell the story of life. I am a daughter of the King of kings. I am highly favored.

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Whisper of another voice.

October seems to be one of the most favored months of the year. Full of pumpkin spice, cool weather and fun colors. Even new old clothes we haven’t seen in 4-5 months. It used to be my favorite, next to December. Not so much this year. It has been too wet to much outside and so far the whispers have been too loud.

Grief is such that I just never ever know when it will reach out and grab me by the throat and throw me down, or throw up all over me. I hate this part. Life was just chugging along. Keep my head down, keep praying and worshiping, working, paying my bills and wham. Everything goes hay wire.

Emotions run a muck…tears flow unchecked and unable to stop. The pain becomes so visceral. I can’t see the future. I can’t even see through to tomorrow. The pillow is saturated in the leak from the eyes and heart.

I want to be effective to those around me. I can’t seem to do that right. Whatever goes on, I always bring it to God in conversations. I know He hears and I know, in faith, He is working my future for me. This is where It gets real….I hate waiting. Oh, I can wait a bit. But wait a long time…nope..not me..I get too impatient. So I go back to the conversation with God and I throw a rant out. And one more time I am reminded – God takes care of the birds and dresses the flowers and paints the sky. He is working my future through His vision, not mine. I am a servant who only wants to obey. So one more time…I am sorry. I am sorry for causing pain in others, I am sorry for being selfish, I am sorry for being impatient..teach me how to wait..teach me how to move in You Jesus.

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Whispers of Peace

Where do you find your solitude? Is at the end of the day when the twilight of the evening twinkles and you ponder the accomplishments of the day? Is it in the morning over the coffee cup before the struggle with the days agenda begins? Is it in the small coups sprinkled through out the day where you think “yes I did that”?

What does “peace” mean to you? Is it when the struggle of balancing the tasks of the day stop? The smile on a kids face when they conquer a tough skill? A large bill that finally gets paid in full? Or the cuddle of a fur baby that we love so much?

Peace speaks when confusion walks out the door. A feeling that is equated with a “high” or euphoria.

Many times in my marriage I was able to have those quiet peaceful moments. The joy of just serving his needs and the needs of the family. Learning how to be a mom and a wife at the same time was big struggle. I felt as if Peace was always to be my side kick, my buddy, always my companion. I knew peace every time i looked into Carl’s eyes. He alone made me feel like the best mom and wife.

I worked so hard at not taking “self” as the culprit for the serenity I found. Mornings of getting kids off to school. Paying all the bills on time each month. Even the amazing fun times sitting around the campfire at night with my love. I have many amazing memories of turning them into “thank You God” moments.

Jesus promised us that the Father would send a comforter. I recognize that The Comforter is my peace. I can forgive so easily, but the memories and the pain of hurts can linger. Those ugly whispers are not bringing peace.

I shake my self and wonder…when will I learn the nothing I DO will earn Gods Grace?? I have to surrender myself to God. Not my will, but thine, oh God.

“By your Spirit I will rise

“From the ashes of defeat.

“The resurrected King, is resurrecting me

“In Your name I come alive

“To declare Your Victory

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Whispers of a moment in time

Panic attacks come from acute vulnerability. It happened in a moment. In space when time seemed to stand still. When I knew out there on the ground that he was gone. The panic started. The feeling of being out of control.

29 years of memories. Some say that my marriage was over that day he died. I know it says in the vows “til death do we part”. But reality is it never stops. Marriage is just never over in death. Not for me. You see, I loved him. With all of me. He was my everything. My breathe. My smile. My laughter, my joy. I could do anything for him. We truly loved each other.

I still scream and wonder why..I think I have a right to it. I don’t, not really. God is God of all things…I am not. God has a plan for me and for Carl. Even if Carl is in heaven.

I wonder to this day, what am I going to do. And yet, here it is 5 years 2 months later. I still don’t have solid footing. My boys are too far away. My sister hates me. I can’t talk to my mom any more because of the hatred from my sister.

Yup…one panic attack rolls over the next. I guess I have had enough trauma in my life to warrant them. But there are small victories, and many good memories to have and to make.

29 years hearts entwined, 24 together on earth. God has walked this road with me. He provides the wings of coverage, ( Psalm 17:8, Psalm 18:10, Psalm 63:7) and the wings to soar, (Exodus 19:4, Isaiah 40:31).

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Whispers of Unrest

When I think of that word unrest, it makes me cringe. It makes me think of what other people think of me. The fact that since 2012 I have moved 7 times, in 7 years does not help. I am also cringing as the thought in my head is, maybe I should move again. I know- throw your hands up and scream “why?” At me. To answer that question I would look at you and say “why not?”

I can’t seem to get through Instagram or Facebook without getting insanely jealous. I see people happy, I see exotic places everyone took their summer vacations at. I see couples in love. I see children playing with their families. This list goes on.

Not only did my husband die, but all of my dreams died with him. All of my fun, laughter, energy died. My whole purpose in life has been to house my kids and provide for them. However and whatever that took. I have sacrificed me on the table of my life for my kids. They won’t ever see it. They won’t ever acknowledge It. I don’t want them to, as I never did it for that reason. I did it because I love them and want them to follow God more than anything.

I am sure most of you get the whispers of jealousy now and again. How could you not in the world of social media and increase in knowledge. What used to be considered gossip is now front page news and posted on social sites. What was thought to be nonsense behavior is herald as greatness of character. The world is so upside down.

This great country (USA) is built on freedom and freedom of speech. However, the contradictory times we live in make this so very difficult. There is no gate keeper on our mouths anymore, there is no filter. Say what you want, it is your right. But it is not your right to hurt others and belittle and beat people down. There is no law that prevents this other than the Bible.

Discontentment, unrest, is whispering to me. I will have to deal with it..however, I am always at at the mercy of my Father in heaven. I want to be free to go where and when He says go. If my being here is a short time, then so be it. Bring it on – show the way!

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Whispers to Contemplate

Summer is in full force. The spring rains have slowed, the world seems to be preparing for another change. I ridiculously presumed that life would fall into a groove that whispered good things. It is a struggle to believe that that type of life could be mine once more.

Five years. This seems to be the time frame the world says that I should be done grieving and move on. I have nothing but a mud pit to move into if I move on.

I have been thinking (maybe too much). I ponder the good times like a child ponders a smooth rock by the seaside. The beautiful house we built with a nice deck and oh the sun rises with coffee shared together. The joy of watching the kids playing from up there. The fireworks every spring were so wonderfully seen from here. This is what wrenches my heart and brings tears.

The silly laughter as we played together as a family. The prayers when one was sick. The joy of just sharing. Sharing the highs of the day and the lows. The thanksgiving dinner that almost didn’t happen and my amazing husband who cooked it all by himself or another thanksgiving when the stove broke.

Sometimes the pain of moving on is still so over whelming that there seems to be no future.

BUT GOD!! God has promised so many good things. He promised He would never leave me. He promised to always meet my needs. He promised He would bring me to higher places. So I cry my tears every once in awhile and I mop my face – take a deep breath and whisper “thank You Jesus”.

The season of change however big or small God walks with me, He talks with me. Pushes me to lift my eyes. Not just to the next hill, But to the Son who rises above the mountain.

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Whispers in the Quiet

It has been quiet here for awhile. Since the move in, that is. Spring turned into a very hot summer. Having a few weeks with nothing to do was good for me. I recovered from the pneumonia, and spent days walking and praying. The summer heat forced me inside with no air-conditioning. Rosie, (my 3 legged wonder) and I sweated it out. I am a bit unsettled as to how hot August will be, as usually that is the hottest time of the year. Maybe God will show mercy on me.

I am so glad that those days were spent in prayer. I say that because I did finally get a job. I signed on with a temp service that specializes in Accounting. They called me and a church needed immediate help so I went. God knew what He was doing. I am so thankful for the learning that God takes us through. I was able to not only bring professionalism with me, but an amazingly calm and Godly attitude into the position. They have already asked me to become a permanent part of their staff. I pray daily that God guides and uses me for His workmanship. Not my own.

So many times I wanted to purposely fail. To sabotage my own progress. Yes I know that is shocking. I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not worth saving. I got that message loud and clear. This huge “mistake” of my life has taught me how much God loves and cares for me, and that it is ok to take time to work on me. To become what I need to be. I know that God has surrounded me with heavenly Angels, watching over me.

I never dreamed this is where I would be 5 years after his death. I celebrated this year with a dear friend and telling my story out loud. In detail. I cried over the tomb. I was broken in half. Tears can not turn back time. They are in no way a comfort to me. However, they are a language that God understands and angels wipe away. I constantly ask myself – Am I doing the right thing? Am I leading and guiding our kids in the right way?

The answers always take me to Gods words. If you want to be great in Gods kingdom, be the servant of all. Teaching them the true servanthood, giving to God- for God -with God, then you will find God. He will lead them into all truth.

Do I want to be a better person? What does that even mean? Sure we can love others more, do more things for people, but what does it mean? To me, it means studying the character of Jesus. To bring balance into my life. Steady on. Focused on the kingdom of God. Maybe my next writing I can get into what these terms mean. For now…it means not looking at my circumstances, but looking to the heavenly emphasis.

I forgive easily. To those that have hurt me – I FORGIVE YOU! What I have a hard time doing is forgetting. With hurt this bad, I wont initiate. I tried and was forced away. So, I forgive from a distance. Until God changes the heart. I will Continue to build my future not here on earth, but in heaven. God is merciful, He is kind, He is full of everything good! I will move forward.

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To New Things

I know it has been awhile since my last posting. Things were crazy and way out of control. I have good things to shout and praise God for. I have my own place. Yeah God. I found a small place in a small town, population of about 4,083 people. I am living in public housing so I am so thankful I am not in a big city..I would be terrified. God knew what I needed and this is it. I am so fortunate that this unit was available…it is the most up to date in the building. I cried..I admit it…I felt so humbled. At first it was “what did I do to deserve this place”…yes my pride was talking. From owning my own beautiful home, to having an old building with public housing that smells, strange people starring at you as you come and go. Now, I have repented my attitude and am so thankful for this place that God provided.

I moved in with a suitcase. A few bags. No bed, no furniture..nothing. All my stuff is still in storage 700 miles away. I am beyond broke so how to get that stuff here has become a mystery. I will have to save money and get it somehow. I know God is working things out in me. My daughter made it from college to live with me, she provided the kitchen supplies. 2 beds were given to us, new ones and a gift was made to proved the sheets and bed coverings.

Again..I have so much to thank God for. This whole transition was hard..after a few days of being here I hit rock bottom emotionally. I was drained. I started falling apart when the housing struggle became so difficult. My heart breaks for the homeless people. I am so thankful that I have God and determination. And most of my family. I know that they are praying for me. Depression has wrecked me. I also became very sick with pneumonia.

Battling these 2 issues, I became determined. This beautiful little town has a most gorgeous walking trail by a river. I have taken to walking my dog and praying. The trails are empty at certain times so I pray out loud. Every word. Talking to Jesus as He walks with me. It has been cathartic for my soul.

Have things changed? Nope. I am still in public housing. I am still in a small town 20 minutes from the nearest Wal-Mart. I am still far from friends. BUT GOD! I am positive God is still working on my behalf. He is supplying my every need. He will provide just the right job. And, I know this is not forever. It is for now. Every night I fall asleep thankful for the roof over my head. Thankful for my daughter to be with me. Thankful that God still sees me.

As a kid I had to learn how to play the flute, and the first song I learned to play is this

God is so good,

God is so good,

He’s so good to me.

I sing this one over, and over and over. Being homeless and having no plan was scary. I am thankful for those friends who opened their home, and hearts and helped me. I know what it cost, as Carl and I opened our home for many people who needed a home. This process showed me so much love being on the other side of the doorway. I pray God blesses them in more ways then I could ever repay.

Maybe now I can do more writing….more learning…more loving.

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Whispers of Destinations

I made it to my next destination in Minnesota. It was hectic and hard traveling 12 hours with a very needy dog. This part of my journey is a hard one. I am much further away from friends and family. I have my work set up before me. I have to figure out housing soon…very soon.

The best of it all is that I know that God is still leading. As I approached the state line of Minnesota and Wisconsin, my whole body began to vibrate. I felt like a young girl arriving home from a long stay away. I could not see enough. I could not see enough sky, pine trees, I could not get enough of the fresh air. To me it is the most beautiful of places.

I have not been to the grave site. I will soon. I will spend time praying and reflecting when I do. Each part of my journey I need to confidently stand before God. I am not perfect, I don’t ever acclaim that title. I make mistakes, I get things wrong a time or two.

“Though you probe my heart, though you examine me at night and test me, you will find that I have planned no evil; my mouth has not transgressed.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭17:3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I know when I do fall asleep at the end of the day, that all of my actions and thoughts for the day are covered by God. He is my judge and my refuge. His word is my measuring rod/staff. He is also my advocate. He can handle the hard stuff. This is my hard time. To stay true to Him. To stay the course laid out in front of me.

“Nobody loves me like You love me Jesus

I stand in awe of Your amazing ways

I worship You as long as I am breathing

God, You are faithful and true

Nobody loves me like You” Chris Tomlin

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Whispers of The Deep

The nights  are creeping ever shorter. We’ve passed the worst of the winter. The hardest, the deepest, the coldest, even the snowiest. The days are edging out a bit longer. The sun shines a bit brighter. Even the birds seem to be waking up from the sleep of winter.

My soul is stirring. My time of rest is coming to an end. I am so very, very thankful for this time. I have worked hard to not squander the time away. For some people, I have so gone off the deep end. I know I am right where I need to be. Many times I wake in the deep of the night and end up on the floor in prayer. My heart is forever searching for and thanking my Master. He knows my heart and continues to lead me beside still waters.

I have not seen any  jobs or even housing opening up. I will not let this sway me. I have temporary house, so just pray that God’s blessings be over whelming to them. I have a plan, It is extreme, but I won’t give up. I know that taking care of family is my number one job. I have to get to the place I can do this. The steps are there, I will take them. God is calling, I must move forward.

The deep part of my heart is calling. Will I leave everything Behind for this call of God? I can only say yes. It looks so wrong from the eyes of those who do not understand. I know that God is not finished with me yet. He is not done with my children yet either.

The part of grief that we who experience it understand, is that we tend to always be the odd one out. The conversations around us seem so redundant and surface. Who wants to talk about surface things when deep things are happening? We know that no one wants to hear those deep whispers. I think that not only grievers, but people who are deeply hurt, feel this way. We get labeled introverts. No, we are just broken people looking for a world that will except us for who we are.

Sorry to be so real, but most people will never include or understand us. Only God does and will allow certain people to “get” us. So my circle of friends is small. That’s ok. I have to continually remind myself that I am who I am, I don’t apologize for it. The confidence in that is a great strength to me. I keep my eyes on Jesus. I pour over the Word and ponder the thoughts of those words daily. They bring me comfort and strong whispers in the deep end of life.

I am inserting a link for a song by For King and Country. It is new and so very powerful.

Have a listen

https://youtu.be/Q5cPQg3oq-o


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Whispers of Extreme

The wind tells the story with the song of noise. Once it begins the only way to cease is the God of creation. The hand of the wind makes the garbage cans shake and rattle, the shingles on the roof ripple, the waves rush and flow. It carries the sound of trucks roaring and the rush of a molten mixture of everything. It also carries the beautiful song of children laughing and playing, the gentle lap of the water at the edge of a lake, a normal sound of rain gently falling. What does it say? What does it whisper?

The silence after the storm, the quiet that is so loud you can hear a snowflake falling to the ground. The wings of the eagle as it flys overhead, the fish jumping in the lake. The subdue nature of the air brings sounds from further away. The chirping of the birds, the flutter of the tractor miles away, or the swishing of traffic off in the distance. The straining to hear, the ease to hear what is so close, the sound of what is thought to be nothing. Is this what the world calls profound? Is it indescribable?

The context of each moves the soul. The noise of the wind spurs on the adrenalin while the silence can create anxiety. The joy of events and the high of emotions is not fully understood until experiencing the lows of the silence, the sorrows of trials.

For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning Psalm 30:5

The search for the word joy brought the realization that being joyful is noisy. When we truly have the joy of the Lord we get a bit louder. We share more boisterously, smile a bit bigger. We even laugh loudly. The actions are bigger, the voice a bit stronger. Our vision becomes a bit tighter, a bit more focused.

In my experience sorrow is not the opposite, but it is different. My mind bounces around and creates more noise then a busy highway in the height of tourist season. The flood gates open and the mind becomes so harried I wonder if I will ever hear a bird chirp. Noise becomes loud, intense, and forces me to stumble. Nothing is in focus, it is blurry and in distinct.

In my quiet, grief raises its ugly head. The tears begin to course the tracks of my cheeks on a free fall. I try in myself to find my worth that grief stole. I begin to think less of myself. Less of who I am. Who could love me again. Who really cares about me.

This is not a pity party for me, it is to show that when more than half of who I am was so rudely ripped away, it still hurts years later. The silence of “holidays”, the noise of marriage conference invites, yeah it still hurts. Friends and family that slip in and out on their own convenient path. It still makes me flip out inside. I wonder what did I do?

The extremes are just that, extreme. I need to experience them each to appreciate the balance.

I hear the call, I hear the Whispers. He calls to me. He beckons to me. Come, taste and see…The Lord is good! He has good things ahead. My back hurts, my knees crack and pop from time spent in prayer. Long nights, many of an afternoon. Nothing is more precious then time with the goodness of God! The spirit reaches out and always comes back full. Always!

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Whispers of Refuge

The face of stress. What does it look like.

The red rimmed eyes

The blown blood vessels in the eyes

The extra aging lines appear in the forehead

The face that has no emotions

The body language that says “leave me be”

The flat tone of the voice.

Oh how many times we pass them by. How many times we find ourselves one of these.

What can you say to them to “make it all better”?

Everyone has a view on how to “fix” it (life).

I am down to a week or so and hopefully my house will sell and four more people will be homeless. This, this is the deadline. Today, I could not go to work. The physical pain and the work to get there was too much. I couldn’t do it…now what? Will God show up? Yes He will. But, once again, I can not make others obey the directions that God wants from them. I am at the mercy of people, but I am at the mercy of a loving God who will open the doors when they are ready.

I know what has to happen. I am one of those stressed to the max individuals. I know where I am to go and do. God has outlined the process. I don’t like this process. It is lonely. It is painful.

BUT GOD!! I am not alone. God has sent angels to help. Miracles have happened around me. Yet Satan does not want me to see it. Turning away from the goodness of God is easy.

Keep me on the path. One step. One more. I have The One Who supports and upholds me when I am weak.

Oh yes. I am walking with Him. I cry for those who suffer alone. I weep for those who think they can do life on their own. I want to shake them and say. “NO YOU CAN’T” !!

If I die from stress and life’s problems…if I die because of my health..if I die of homelessness.. I WILL gain heaven!! This I know. This I hang onto. This I am grateful for every day I wake up.

With red rimmed eyes

With blown blood vessels in my eyes

With a face of no emotions

With a worn out breath.

This is me. I look forward. Always up wards. God is my refuge.

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Whispers of Tears-4 year Anniversay

Why do I cry? My late husband was an amazing man in that he never complained or was uncomfortable when I cried. Most of the time he cried right along with me. He knew that tears were proof of my soul resting on my face. Pain, joy, frustration, laid out in rivulets  portrayed for all to see.

Since his death, now four years ago this June 27th,  tears have been my companion. I still lay at night and cry. I still morn the life dream that will now never be. I am most likely to cry over the smallest of things. I have become an extremely emotional person. I feel other people’s emotions so very strongly. It astounds me each and every time this happens.

Tears are a language that God understands. I only pray that when I meet the right guy (and I am confident I will) he will be just as patient and just as kind. I can not settle for less. God has given me this ability and I know He will use it for His kingdom.

What a treasure to feel. How Christ must have felt for me, when He prayed in the garden? Is the love for me what changed Him from “my will be done” to “Thy will be done”. How much he felt as He hung on the cross, suffering for me? How much He has changed me to love those around me. To see the hurt and to feel that pain.

I won’t use tears as a tool. I know some women have. I refuse to be like that. I cry when feelings run deep. A river is not quiet. It rolls over the rocks and makes a beautiful sounds. I want God’s Spirit to roll over the rocks of my life and make a noise.

In a moment. In a heartbeat my life changed. My heart changed. My theology was challenged. I can still stand with tears of joy, tears of anger, tears of frustration, tears of hurt, tears of grief, and know Who loves me more. My redeemer. he has promised to wipe my tears away. He has promised a comforter to be with me. I am so thankful to the Holy Spirit!! I have enjoyed the presence of the Holy Spirit. He nudges me to spend time talking in my prayer language. To edify my spirit with this language. An old mentor of mine recently challenged me to pursue the Holy Spirit like never before. I am doing my best to answer that call.

Spending time with God — The rewards — priceless!! — Eternal!!

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Whispers of Stress

One of the most beloved prophets had a melt down. A full on breakdown. He had had enough. Powerful people would not listen to him. He was frustrated with their stubbornness

One of the most beloved prophets had a melt down. A full on breakdown. He had had enough. Powerful people would not listen to him. He was frustrated with their stubbornness. He talked, and he talked. He preached he consoled. He killed, he raved. He told Ahab and Jezebel that they had to choose between God and Baal. Guess what, they chose Baal, and Jezebel threatened Elijah’s life. So he gave up. Packed it in. He ran for his life, 1 Kings 19:3.

God, we see here, had a recovery plan for Elijah. I found this supper special! Surely our God loves us individually! He takes care of our every need!

  1. God provided nourishment and rest. 1 Kings 19:5-8. He slept for awhile, until an Angel woke him with food. How are you doing at taking care of your own nourishment? Are you grabbing fast food more times then fixing a healthy meal at home? Or do you skip meals. Me, I am a skipper. I don’t like to eat when I am stressed. I don’t want to think of food shopping, or cooking a meal.
  2. God provided Angelic help. 1 Kings 5-8. Do you have a best friend? All of my friends are long distance. I don’t have friends that just pop over and help. But– I have in the past. These people are amazing gifts from God. I work hard in my relationships to be the one to drop everything and help a friend. I long to be the “angel” in someone’s life.
  3. God listened to Elijah – he went on a tangent for sure! Elijah verbalized all of his stress points. He had had enough. He did all that God asked him to do and then some. He let God know he felt alone. So very alone. With great obedience comes great personal sacrifice. But GOD! God did not leave Elijah alone!!
  4. God reminded Elijah of His power- verses 11 & 12.
  5. The Still, small voice of God was needed – Verse 12
  6. There was a recommissioning, a renewal of purpose – verse 15-17
  7. Elijah found out that things are just never as bad as they seem – verse 18
  8. God Brought Elisha to share in the journey. How precious are our friends who share their lives with us.

Wow! This makes all the things I am wrestling with pretty small. However, I know I am just as needy and frail and lost as Elijah. I have had some amazing times in prayer of late. Asking for direction..show me..lead me…empower me…just let me have the courage to do. To never leave God out of all that I am. All of who I am.

But yes, breakdowns happen. These do not have to stop the powerful workings of God in our lives. God is there..no matter what!

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Whispers of the Mountain

I am a seasoned mountain climber. No you won’t see me out on an actual mountain. But life has taught me how to be a seasoned climber of the mountains of time

There are days I do not want to do anything. I do not want to move, get out of bed, go to work, clean, shower. The basic things of life. I just want to stay. I know this is the depression chasing me. It feels like this huge monster that wants to devour me. The faster I go away from it, the faster I feel it catching me. So I want to stop. Even when I know the dangers of stopping. So I keep going. Doing. Being.

I fight combatively to hear the voice of my Savior at this time. I force my hands up in worship. I throw my voice to the wind screaming for someone, anyone to hear me as I cover it up as prayer. I push violently away the things I think are pulling me away from God. Yet, I cling to my pillow and silently cry. I hide from friends, the few I do have, and force the smile that tells the world “I’m ok”, yet hoping they don’t see beyond.

I know from past experience that this mountain will be overcome. The height of it is only in perspective. The seasoned mountain climber knows the hardest part of the mountain is the top. The bottom is gradual. It rises and then planes out, then spikes up and across. The top, well that is the sharpest, the steepest, the toughest. The climber reaches deep and knows that victory is ahead – it is achievable- the motivation to finish is strong and overwhelming.

This mountain has streams and lakes. Oasis, I call them. Short times where I can refresh the soul. To rest the body. But I can’t stay here. The slope of the mountain is waiting for me. One more time.

Genesis 13:7 Rise up and walk through the land, in the length of it and in the breadth of it, for I will give it to you.

God’s blessing come when we have an action to something. Faith is the vehicle in which dreams are fulfilled. The conveyer of success is brought by faith. “The substance of things HOPED for. The evidence of the not seen. (Hebrews 11:1) – my own paraphrasing. Get up- Do IT-Make the move – Don’t stop searching – Don’t stop trying !!

Matthew 17:20  And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

Jesus gave us this verse because of our unbelief. Our doubt  our insecurities – our habit of quitting.  He gave us something that will overcome the mountain instead of the mountain overcoming us.

I am a seasoned mountain climber. No you won’t see me out on an actual mountain. But life has taught me how to be a seasoned climber of the mountains of time. This is just one more mountain. Can I give the mountain the mustard seed of faith? Oh yes, this mountain is no bigger, no more scary then the ones before it. God hears every scream, every cry.

Mountain – I will conquer you. I will surpass the summit. I will stand at the top and know that the victory was not mine, But God’s. That the memorial I place will be one that shows the glory of God and His infinite love.

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Whispers of Tomorrow

I reached out and grabbed hold. I didn’t have to scramble. I didn’t have to flail my arms and panic. I grabbed hold. I have only one anchor. I have only one tether to this thing called life

The things that one is supposed to do for the new year boggles my mind. Make resolutions, clean the house, try harder, live brighter, work more efficiently. You get the idea. When grief rolls through like a steam roller, bull dozer, tank truck, gigantic wave, nothing make sense, yet everything is crystal clear. The things that should line up don’t, yet all of a sudden something falls into place like the final piece of a jigsaw puzzle. The dichotomy of life.

Over the last 3 months I have gone through the process of losing someone close to me to the horrific thing called death. Both were so young. My nanny that took such great care of my kids when they were young suddenly passed away from an extreme aggressive cancer at 29 years old. My kids close friend who actually spoke to them and tried to be a friend when no one seem to care if they lived or died themselves, was tragically murdered at 18 years of age. These things just make that horrible thing called grief rise up and try to swamp my life perspective. The feelings of loss and abandonment, remembering the feelings of my own loss. My empathetic soul cried for the parents. The ones who loved these precious people.

I reached out and grabbed hold. I didn’t have to scramble. I didn’t have to flail my arms and panic. I grabbed hold. I have only one anchor. I have only one tether to this thing called life. It is the point of my soul that hangs so desperately to hope. The promise. The whisper of tomorrow. With this promise comes a few amazing benefits.

1. Hope – “But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7 NIV – looking forward. Just over the horizon is better. Better than here.

2. Joy – “Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete” John 16:24 – this was when Jesus spoke to the disciples and told them he would be leaving them and for them not to grieve for long. He did not say they could not grieve. He told them they will rejoice, and in that will come questions, with that comes dialog, with that comes conversation followed by that sense of JOY. Deep underlying joy. Someone cares. Someone appreciates you. Something supernatural happens.

3. Strength – “And he hast said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my power is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”  2 Corinthians 12:9 (ASV) When I thank God for who He is and glory in the fact that greatness was not in my strength, but my weakness then real power comes. Strength will rise up. Strongholds are broken. Real power is unleashed.

So I look to tomorrow with whispers of praise on my lips. I leave you with this from Elevation Worship –

“For A Moment”

Peace be still you are with me
In this hope I abide
Jesus be my sustainer
Strengthen me in this trial

And I know, it’s only for a moment
And everything is working for your glory
But I need, your perfect love to hold me
Safe within your promise
Til the storm has passed

When this burden is lifted
I’ll give thanks to your name
But until it is finished
I’ll give praise just the same

For we have this hope
As an anchor for our soul
You are with us
We will never be alone

 

 

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The Whispers of the Heart

love-heart-black-outline-images1 The seasons of life. Most equate them to the seasons of the weather. I find that they are not. Life’s ebb and tide are not patterned by the weather. It is hot and humid outside, while my life is not. The whispers from around come in many voices. The sinister voice of the cold wind, or the extra puff from the hot summer wind affect my life. Do I know where those voices come from? Most of the time. I was married for 24 years. I knew without question my lovers voice. I have been actively walking with my Creator for nigh on 42 years. I would like to say that each of those whispers were identified. I am sure I got it wrong a few times.

I long to hear the whispers of love, the whispers of laughter close to my ear. I find that I have to search harder for them now. Well, maybe not harder, just in a different place. I look to God’s words. You might even know them. I’m sure you’ll find them. They float in on the morning dew as it settles on the grass. They come in with snicker of the light switch at night. God loves me. God is for me. He walked with me in my dreams, He walked with me through out the day. He is never far away. No matter what the sinister whispers from the darkness tries to say, my lover is with me, He is whispering into my heart, into my ears. I hear Him. He is calling.

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A Bit of Me

I have been on this road called widowhood for 3 years. At 50 years old and 3 young adults,  I faced this part of my life with a strong faith in who Jesus is and a history of many miracles. I grew up in the great state of Maine in the 1970’s and 1980’s. I am the youngest daughter of an amazing father who was a doctor and a great man of faith. I grew up with hearing amazing stories of God showing up on scene.

I spent 3 years of my late teens at a rural bible school, Faith School of Theology. After graduation I moved to Minnesota to continue my education at North Central University.

It was here that God brought a special young man into my life. We married within a year of meeting and started an amazing life together. This life was shattered apart when my beloved dropped dead of an enlarged heart at 46 years old. In a moment of time, I learned who God is up close and personal.

Stay tuned for more stories and adventures of those 24 years of love and friendship.

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The Whisper of the Morning

The day is starting off with a warm tone. The sun shines bright for being asleep all night. The birds sing at a level that summer birds do. Loud. The whispers of the day beckon to the edges of my mind. Do I listen? I don’t want to hear those whispers, the ones that come from the dark corners. They are not happy ones any more. I miss the happy ones. The promise of smiles and kisses and wonderful memories. The ring tone of laughter among all of us. Those are gone now. The tone is subdued. The sun so glaring and harsh. Voices speak so harshly.

The day must go forward. Looking around, I finally find something that I can be thankful for. Of course, there are the basics of life. I have a roof over my head. I have water that flows from the faucets. I have wonderful animals that look at me with love. I even have a bed to sleep in. As my mind courses through the obvious things, I start to panic. Do I really find the joy in things…I hope so? I want to. I see happy people, I see in their lives the happy things. Wait. There I go again, comparing. I don’t want to walk in that direction.

The heat is heavy as the day blooms. I wonder what my Savior felt on the day he walked up the final hill. I wonder if he conversed with his dad. If the conversation was full of people names or was it just a time of worship for him. When life is at the darkest, I sometimes have that type of conversation with God. I begin to worship Him and bring up people who need His help. I believe God hears those conversations. That is faith, believing that something is happening even when I can’t see it. Today will be another day of that. My list is long