Whispers of Me

Who am I? Whose am I? Why am I?

I could tell a story about my childhood, however, that might not explain who I am. Times have changed. My environment has changed, even my body has changed. The carefree fun loving adventurous dare devil of a child is not who I am any more.

I spend many hours in my day contemplating life’s memories. Alone. I never dreamed I would be like this at such a young age. I thought I’d be in my 70s or 80s telling stories to my grandkids. Nope. Here I am reminiscing over the smallest memory. Rolling it around like a tire slogging through the mud. With all of my belongings in storage hundreds of miles away, I don’t even have pictures to look at. Just the sweet threads that pop up.

One of my memories is of college. I am stunned at how different life looks 30 years ago. I have to admit something. I chickened out. I got scared and caved. Sure I had a right to. I was only 17. I didn’t get a gap year. I was bent on doing two years at the school in one. I failed it. I did feel I could do it. I could not be a pastor back then. Women just didn’t. I was naive. I had no clue. I could not see more then a few years ahead. So I reacted and took the easy way out, thinking I couldn’t do it.

That was the first time I wrestled a demon called suicide. I was miserable that freshman year. I looked so hard for a way out. No one listened. My grades suffered to the point of almost getting kicked out. I was more scared of the permanent record then my ability to do the work. It was by the grace of God that i finished. I bent to the will of those around me, hoping and praying God would still use me, and did the best I could while struggling for my own identity. So, I chose. I chose the path of least resistance. The pressure released and I did the full three years.

Did I pick a hard road to walk? Yes. But, then I have always done everything the hard way. There are so many great times. Each one a pearl that could form a very long and beautiful necklace. I have no regrets. None. God has held me in sorrow, cheered me in joy, pushed me gently forward. The pearls of memory are the warm gems that sustain me. They remind me. They tell the story of life. I am a daughter of the King of kings. I am highly favored.

Author: thewidowwomanblog

I am a 53 year old widow who is watching her kids step out into life while holding tight to the Creator's hand.

2 thoughts on “Whispers of Me”

  1. Hello my sister in Christ, Wonderful Wendy!

    Thanks for sharing your journey with us this holiday season. Even though I am older than you by 18 years, I, too, struggle with the aloneness of life, and never thought it would turn out this way. Rest assured, you have positively impacted many lives via your writing and your faith. God has both of us in His hands! May your thanksgiving be blessed!

    Like

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