The season is bright. Full of lights, full of noise. Full of people, full of events. Full of people, full of shopping. Full of smells, full of smiles. Full of music, full of joy.
The joy of the season. Last year in Ohio, I didn’t feel like Christmas. The house had sold and we were awaiting the closing date. I hardly remember anything but packing, and cleaning. I remember the loneliness. The ach in my heart. People abandoning home. Family too busy on their own agendas to spend any amount of time with me. Friends were busy with their own families.
This year, it will be quiet one more time. I don’t have my precious memories to display on the Christmas tree, they are packed away in storage back in Ohio. I do have my daughter. She is so very precious to me. She is in transition and will be sticking close to home and work. We have a few decorations she put up. She is so good at buying gifts and wrapping them. Me, I am lost, again. I have no gifts to give. This struggle to get on my feet has taken all of my resources. I have nothing left. What I had has been given away. No not to venders and bills alone, but to others who need more than me.
My heart is still shattered. My partner that helped guide me in life is not here. My world is still not right and it is not bright. I don’t know how to navigate. It is his birthday week. We would begin to celebrate him on his special day and every day for a week. His favorite dinners, his favorite t.v. shows. The kids would nag him about what he would want for gifts. He would always said “nothing”, and then tell them how much he loved them. I tried to always have a special event planned for his celebration. One year it was hiring a limo to ride in with friends, and a trip around Minneapolis & St. Paul looking at Christmas lights. Another year we went to a Christmas concert down in St. Paul. We went snowmobiling for a day trip once. Each birthday was a memory of fun times, soft times, and loving times. Afterwards, we would focus on the kids, Christmas shopping, Christmas pageants, baking, and friends.
I wait at night. I strain my ears listening. For what? For an answer. Not to the usual questions of why. I just want my heart to hear. To fall asleep knowing that my God whispers sweet words of Christmas to me. He whispers such glorious news. Unto us is given a Savior. He is the Prince of Peace. The joy of knowing that love is whispered each and every time is such a comfort to my heart. I know that this year has been another hard one. Being homeless, depending on others, yes, it was difficult. Has it been the worst year ever? NO! There has been so much peace and joy. I have had to look harder for it. Praying and waiting on God more than ever. But I am here. I made it. My celebration is in Jesus. For this season, for this reason, I am here. God is good, all of the time.