Shhhh…..another Monday. This one was different. This one was painful. I didn’t want to go to sleep for the last three nights. I hated the sun coming up. My world had changed so suddenly. This time I didn’t want to be noticed. I didn’t want my children to look at me. The tears would not stop inside. The darkness seemed so overwhelming. I felt like it was my fault. How did I do this thing called living. I don’t remember who was even there.
The singing was over for awhile. I tried. I forced myself to be what was expected. But I failed. I failed as a mother. I failed as a wife. I had failed my beloved family. most of all I had failed myself.
That confident, strong willed young girl disappeared in a blink. No longer the one vibrating for attention and just wanting to spend time with some one. I was no longer the one chosen. I was stunned. How do I reach forward when I continually get slapped by life.
It will be 6 years this summer. I take stock at this. There has to be a measuring stick somewhere that shows how far I’ve still to go. I am still pushed at. The unstoppable stare. The silent phone. The obligatory well wishes. I still don’t have it in me to pick up the phone myself. Will that ever come back? I only call my kids…only one person calls me. I just don’t know how to do any more then what I am. But I know it is not enough.
I will sludge onward.
Philippians 3:14 King James Version (KJV)
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
The word press implies there is effort, strong against all odds moving forward. This is the state I find myself. Still. Figuring out – constantly asking God for directions. This life is one that holds no expectations, just an answer. A nudge. A whisper. Yahweh is with me. He has never left me. He has plans. The world is beautiful and He knows me better then I know myself.