Whispers of a moment in time

Panic attacks come from acute vulnerability. It happened in a moment. In space when time seemed to stand still. When I knew out there on the ground that he was gone. The panic started. The feeling of being out of control.

29 years of memories. Some say that my marriage was over that day he died. I know it says in the vows “til death do we part”. But reality is it never stops. Marriage is just never over in death. Not for me. You see, I loved him. With all of me. He was my everything. My breathe. My smile. My laughter, my joy. I could do anything for him. We truly loved each other.

I still scream and wonder why..I think I have a right to it. I don’t, not really. God is God of all things…I am not. God has a plan for me and for Carl. Even if Carl is in heaven.

I wonder to this day, what am I going to do. And yet, here it is 5 years 2 months later. I still don’t have solid footing. My boys are too far away. My sister hates me. I can’t talk to my mom any more because of the hatred from my sister.

Yup…one panic attack rolls over the next. I guess I have had enough trauma in my life to warrant them. But there are small victories, and many good memories to have and to make.

29 years hearts entwined, 24 together on earth. God has walked this road with me. He provides the wings of coverage, ( Psalm 17:8, Psalm 18:10, Psalm 63:7) and the wings to soar, (Exodus 19:4, Isaiah 40:31).

Author: thewidowwomanblog

I am a 53 year old widow who is watching her kids step out into life while holding tight to the Creator's hand.

6 thoughts on “Whispers of a moment in time”

  1. My sweet friend, I sit here sobbing to God for you today, we have been through so much together but this road you have been on I do not share but I can imagine and just the imagining brings me to my knees in tears and supplication for you to feel His presence and peace that passes all understanding and for stable ground for you to build on. Hugs to you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. When the one whom we love is taken away from us, we know that it is a pain that will stay with us for a long long time. I am sorry for your loss.
    Have faith in His plans. He will show the way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wendy, I just don’t know what to say, but I can feel your heart. About all I can do is tell you I agree, because there is someone, now gone, in my life, about whom I felt the same. Like you, my family of origin is very fractured. Praise God that I know He knows what this is about. Sometimes all I can do is sit and ask God “Give me wisdom, Lord, I just don’t understand.” Keep writing. You have a very powerful voice and I for one appreciate your words. Prayers going up for you and yours. It’s like Rose Kennedy once said, “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ … The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

    It’s never gone. May you find peace amidst the panic, my friend.


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