Whispers, oh so many of them.

We all have a voice inside our head that plays or talks all the time. I am sure there is a scientific word for it, but I don’t know what that is. What I do know is that it is really noisy in my head sometimes. Suffering through a trauma will increase these voices. When I look back over my 40 years of memories I begin to wonder. There where many voices after my car accident. There were more voices while in the hospital as my beloved entered heaven.

I think, how was I taught to filter through all those voices. Maybe I had what is now known as ADD, yeah I know the technical words, it is just shorter to abbreviate them.

I think the earliest I remember hearing those voices is in 3rd grade. I had transferred from a private school to a public school and I was a very quiet kid. At least I thought I was. I remember voices loud and clear. “Stupid” “ugly”  “Jesus freak” “stinky”. That one hurt the most, you see I lived on a farm with cows and other animals. I worked really hard to not smell like the farm, but I loved the animals. Animals don’t judge us.

I don’t remember having any friends back then. I feel the same way now as I did back then. Overwhelming voices that don’t stop. See I am in a strange patch in my life. I have 2 or maybe 3 super close friends. The others have all drifted away with each move I made they slipped further and further away. When my husband was alive I thought I could conqure anything. Together we were strong. We had friends over all the time. Now, I just sit.

Whispers of grief can rob you of everything. I have no motivation to do anything. I can’t seem to get up and do anything. Finances keep me from enjoying life. My physical limits keep me from working. The cycle goes on. Whispers can be so over whelming.  I have hope. I could list all the scriptures from the Bible, but I just need to say it. I have hope. I do not know what tomorrow holds. I know the sun will rise.

God is predictable. He promises. It will happen.

So for now, the whispers of grief roll over me. It is dark again. Sleep is so far away. I even start to hear the whispers that say I can’t even write a blog….who would read it anyway…..

Author: thewidowwomanblog

I am a 53 year old widow who is watching her kids step out into life while holding tight to the Creator's hand.

2 thoughts on “Whispers, oh so many of them.”

  1. Dear Wendy, I, for one, would read it, and look forward to reading everything you write. It may seem no one would read it, but that is one of those voices whispering, far from reality. You are an inspiration to me, my dear friend, even from this distance. It’s a long way from your home to mine, across many state lines, but you’re always near in my heart as a sister in Christ. I hear your struggle and applaud you for continuing to fight the good fight. I have never been a widow, but I have lost someone who was near and dear to me, a primary relationship, unexpectedly, as you lost Carl. That was a shock to me (he drowned) which took a long time to get over, including the blame I placed, erroneously, on myself for his death.

    You are right. God is changeless. He never leaves us or abandons us. The enemy does his best to make us hear those voices and believe they are correct. Praise God we have the Word to hold in our hands, the Holy Spirit to guide us and Jesus to save us. You are covered in prayer by so may people, and though the road is at time difficult, your rock-solid faith is a constant reminder to me that I, too, need only turn to God and trust him, be it in health, relationships or finances. Sometimes it helps to just go take a nap and set all of that aside for a time. Sometimes recounting past joys is of a comfort, and sometimes, the touch of a furry cat or one of my two small dogs brings a smile to my face.

    Keep fighting the good fight, dear friend. You are so worth it. And remember, we’ve both read the book and we know how it comes out in the end. We win!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Life has so many painful paths we have to walk.
    Just know I am thinking of you often and praying for you!
    Me and Jesus loves you.
    Shalom beloved. That’s what the Lord says.

    Liked by 1 person

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