We all have a voice inside our head that plays or talks all the time. I am sure there is a scientific word for it, but I don’t know what that is. What I do know is that it is really noisy in my head sometimes. Suffering through a trauma will increase these voices. When I look back over my 40 years of memories I begin to wonder. There where many voices after my car accident. There were more voices while in the hospital as my beloved entered heaven.
I think, how was I taught to filter through all those voices. Maybe I had what is now known as ADD, yeah I know the technical words, it is just shorter to abbreviate them.
I think the earliest I remember hearing those voices is in 3rd grade. I had transferred from a private school to a public school and I was a very quiet kid. At least I thought I was. I remember voices loud and clear. “Stupid” “ugly” “Jesus freak” “stinky”. That one hurt the most, you see I lived on a farm with cows and other animals. I worked really hard to not smell like the farm, but I loved the animals. Animals don’t judge us.
I don’t remember having any friends back then. I feel the same way now as I did back then. Overwhelming voices that don’t stop. See I am in a strange patch in my life. I have 2 or maybe 3 super close friends. The others have all drifted away with each move I made they slipped further and further away. When my husband was alive I thought I could conqure anything. Together we were strong. We had friends over all the time. Now, I just sit.
Whispers of grief can rob you of everything. I have no motivation to do anything. I can’t seem to get up and do anything. Finances keep me from enjoying life. My physical limits keep me from working. The cycle goes on. Whispers can be so over whelming. I have hope. I could list all the scriptures from the Bible, but I just need to say it. I have hope. I do not know what tomorrow holds. I know the sun will rise.
God is predictable. He promises. It will happen.
So for now, the whispers of grief roll over me. It is dark again. Sleep is so far away. I even start to hear the whispers that say I can’t even write a blog….who would read it anyway…..