Whispers of the Dark

They are back. The sneer from the corner. The darkest of nights. The ripples in the undercurrent of thought and voice. The implications that not only I might fail, but that failing is imminent. The push to give up and walk away. The darkness seems to grow larger, menacing. The sky is dark and cloudy. There seems to be a greyness over everytihg.  

I grab on to the bright spots. The sun always shines. The music always plays. I search and search. The darkness gets pushed aside when I push. When I intentionally seek the Light.

I am finally done with the house. Closing went better then expected. I about sent myself to the hospital with all the work and lack of sleep, however the end result was great. The feeling of freedom is being chased by the whispers in the corner. The words now being sent that I’m not good enough. The implications that I am responsible for their pain. The words that tell me I failed them and many others. Lies from the corner.

James 1:6-8 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. (NIV)

Even with the ugly whispers chasing my heels, I will move forward. Do I second guess my behavior? Yes. Not in doubt, but knowing I did all that I could. The accuser knows not the work and effort to live a Biblical principle of gratitude and thankfulness. However, the questions still come. Why did I chose this path, How does God “call” someone to this road, the humiliating road of relying on someone else. The raised eyebrows, the whispers behind the hand. Yes, I have seen it, Yes, I have heard it.

I  know in my heart what my future looks like. It is taking all I have (strong will power and knowledge in my faith in God’s provision) to stay the course. . I can only pray that God will pour His blessings over those who have helped me and sheltered me. They are each so very dear to my heart.

I have so much rolling through my brain. I need to get it out. I try and put it in my writing but of late, it has been interrupted, stalled. I get so frustrated with the darkness whispering, hissing in my ear. I pray each time I hear it. I know that nothing can hinder my path except me-The unstable mind. I hold to that which I know. I know that my Redeemer lives. I know that He suffered for me. I know that God holds my future in His hands.

So onward I press. Upward I look. I am under the scrutiny of others along the way. I won’t give up I won’t back down Show me God, who needs my story today? Who are You calling me to today. Show me why I am here today.   

Author: thewidowwomanblog

I am a 53 year old widow who is watching her kids step out into life while holding tight to the Creator's hand.

2 thoughts on “Whispers of the Dark”

  1. Wendy – my dear, strong sister in Christ. First, I needed your story today, of that you can rest assured. Raven Nicole posted above that she loves the vulnerability in this post. She’s spot on. When we are vulnerable God can work through, to and in us. When we think we have it all together, He has no chance to break through that wall. You and Carl had a wonderful life together, one very few people have in this life, not one I ever had as a wife. Being alone is hard, especially given what you’ve lost. What I know about you, dear sister, is that you are doing your very best for yourself, your kids, and all those around you. The fact that some of them are too blind to see it, and that they get judgmental and sneer or make rude remarks, reflects on them, not on you. But you and I share a bit of knowledge that carries us through – God is ALWAYS on our side. He never leaves or forsakes us. I went back and read your Christmas blog because I missed it when you posted it. I was dealing with the massive grief in my family over the sudden and unexpected death of my daughter-in-law at age 39, 3 days before Christmas. We’re all still struggling and will be, if we but acknowledge it, for many years to come. Who cares if others do not understand what we are doing to survive this loss? Who cares what their opinions are? They are not in our shoes. Likewise, those who treat you negatively have NO idea what they are talking about. I am glad to see you can quiet the darkness by pushing it away. Keep pushing! I’ve been reading a lot of books on intercessory prayer lately, and the title of one comes to mind as I read your blog. It’s called “PUSH – Persevere Until Success Happens”. That’s what you’re doing, that’s what God enables you to do. Know that you are prayed over, as are your children. Know that God has a marvelous life in store for you. Know that the enemy is totally powerless. Call him out as the loser he is when you see or hear him coming at you, be that in your own thoughts or the words and actions of others. Stomp him on his ugly little head and kick him back to hell where he belongs! Keep looking for the light. Cry out to God when you can’t find it and He’ll show it to you. May His angels surround you at all times, and may you feel the presence of His love and the power of the Holy Spirit in all your waking moments. May sleep bring you rest and refreshment of your energy. Blessings to you as you walk this road. You’re getting stroner, I see it in what you write. I have printed up signs and posted them all over the house, things to remind me of how present God is at all time. Perhaps that would comfort you. At the end of the day, ponder 2 Timothy 4:7-8 “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day–and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.” Daily you are living verse 7, and your destination, your journey, is verse 8. Hold these 2 close. Read verses 7 and 8 like this: “I, Wendy, have fought the good fight. I, Wendy, have finished the race. I, Wendy, have kept the faith today, and I will say this again tomorrow.” God’s Word was written for you. Read it that way and you’ll see how far you’ve come. Keep writing! You’ve got a gift. Kick the enemy in the head and tell him you use that gift for God’s glory and to go back where he came from, where he belongs! Blessings to you and yours, Roxy.

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