Christmas will not be at my house or my life this year. This will be the first time since my love crossed over to his new home in heaven that my house is void of anything Christmas. This has been a very difficult year of grief and loneliness. After two and half years here, I can count on one hand the number of friends who have even attempted to be in life, even less that have stayed. Even family has vacacted to the far reaches of my life. I know that I am intense. My life has changed. I deal with PTSD…I deal with depression…I deal with young adults who call me mom…I deal with unreal expecations from all around me. I do not deal in laughter or ridiculous humor. My smiles come at a cost. Hugs, are platitudes (although with my boys, I have received the best hugs on occasion, when I ask for them). Human touch is non existent. This is why people see me and run. They can’t deal with it. Family can’t. I can only because of my faith in God.
Before Carl (yes I will, and can use his name) died (i know that is blunt, but it is reality), he was my buffer in life. We lived life completely as a unit – one unit- a whole – together. I still have yet to learn life without him. Grief is not a one step and get over it kind of feeling. In fact, I don’t even consider it a feeling. Just like depression is not a feeling. It is a state of mind that is uncontroled. If we manage it on our own, most of the time we will fail. I do not presume to manage this greif on my own.
Christmas is not in my life as the house is sold. The slavery to this house is finally over. The shackels that kept me tied to working jobs that barely cover my expenses and sucked the life out of me is finally over. Don’t get me wrong, there is one job that I absolutly loved and kept me sane the last 2 years. I will miss this one the most. The closing on the house is 2 days post Christmas. I have no where to call home, I will be staying with friends for a while to fix the financial loss of the last 2.5 years. Regrets, I don’t have them. This was a place for my children to launch into life. I only pray and trust God that they soar off into life knowing the love that sent them out.
My Christmas decorations are boxes, and bills and memories. Storage bills, finale disconect bills. Anxiety of where I will stay, will they still be my friend after my stay, who will take my dog when I can’t have her..How do I keep my anxiety from affecting my children….complete homlessness. All of these things are out of my control.
In the midst of all of this, deep down I know that God is directing my life. I have peace knowing that I have a future. Miracles can happen…I will not be forgoten.
My favorite song of late is from Hillsong United;