I know it has been awhile since I posted. Life just seems to be raging on around me. I have many times thought, “I should write about that” or “if I could only remember this moment I would write about it”. All good intentions. However, life just gets in the way. My brain gets so cluttered with thoughts. Things I should have done, things I want to do, and things everyone else wants me to do, and then there is real life stuff. Survival. Just one more day to get through. One more work shift, one more night, one more day.
I just came back from an amazing short 3 day holiday to my home state and home town. I spent some time at my beloveds grave site. I wept my tears and talked to the heavens. I shared my heart of grief with anyone who could hear, of course the graveyard was empty. My heart has a hard time sometimes. I know all you “strong” Christian types will reaffirm that Yes my beloved is in heaven and hears all the things happening here on earth. Ok, I get it..but, my heart sometimes does not. While I sit looking over the place of the buried coffin, knowing that he is not really there, I instinctively switch from talking “to” my beloved, to talking “with” God. I kept thinking, If he can hear me, then so can God. Further more, doesn’t God love and care about me more? So I did what I always do and had a conversation with my Creator.
The air is getting warmer now. I know and so does nature know that winter is over. Another change is happening. I think I have a grasp on “what I want to be when I grow up”. Here it is, big and bold. I want to make it all happen yesterday, but I can’t. I don’t know how to make it happen. I want to finish my degree. I am now 50 years old and I never finished. The college that I went to 30 years ago will take all of my out dated class work and with only 30 credit hours I can get my degree done. With only a bit more work, I can be a family/child counselor. My dream could be reality.
I am someone who always over thinks everything, and then never “do” anything about it. Hence, the reason I still don’t have that elusive degree. If you have read all the way to the end of this, drop me a note. Any suggestions on how to pay off massive debt and go to school..I will listen. Anyone want to adopt me? I know pathetic right?? How about just keep praying for me and the doors to open? Most of you all can relate and understand.