Whispers of Fear

I will always be dependent on God. He is my life. He is the source of who I am. I can smile, I can sing, I can even dance in the face of fear.

I debated a long time on this one. I need to be honest. I need to show you a bit more of my vulnerable side. I came into this new year of 2018 afraid. Just like I have the last 4. I sure did not want to tell every one this.

I have known security for most of my life. These last few years, I have had none. I would love to say that all is well, but it really is not. The struggle to breathe is real. I don’t know if the trauma of holding my husband as he slipped into heaven is the basis. Maybe it was the patterns set from long ago.

I have always adhered to a code. A code I found way back in high school and Bible School. It is a two part code, two are stronger than one, and work hard and owe no one. Guess what….I have failed at both of these. Without a partner, without my health, I owe more than I can work. For 3 years now I have tried to get myself in the position to depend on no one but God. I have failed at this.

I wonder as I look over the next few months, as I can not think beyond 2-3 months at a time, how will my life look. This severe cold snap will probably send me into depression as there is no way I can afford the heating bill on this old uninsulated house. Let alone all the expenses relating. Yes, I am that fearful.

But — BUT GOD —

The Old Testament is full of times that the children of Israel made a memorial. A stone pillar or an altar. Why? God told them it was to help them remember the times that God showed up. This is what my mind waffles in. The past years that God brought about amazing changes. The times that bills were paid and jobs were plenty. The kids had no needs and were happy and loving. This was the reason I scrapbooked and chronicled our life. To remember the plentiful years of blessings.

In a heartbeat, the mind jumps to the future, a bill is due. A kid needs money for school. An extra kid visits and cranks the heat up wasting my money. A dog needs veterinary help. My car needs brakes and yeah….the list goes on.

I fight through the panic. I breathe deep and I quote scriptures. When this happens, I usually can only remember the simplest of them. John 3:16 Proverbs 3:5-6 Jerimiah 29:11. I allow myself to feel it. It is ugly. It is the presence of a monster. It is not from God. It is the evil whisper of fear.

I try my best to face the fear. When a deadline of a bill is approaching and I can’t do anything about it. I stand firm. I pray that God sustains me and gives me wisdom. This has worked, as I am still pressing forward. I have not lost ground yet, and even gained a few steps.

I always, always re evaluate my expectations. Is this bill possible to pay in full or do I need to break it down into bits and pieces? Can I add more to my work load? Always adjusting. Always trusting that there is a way forward in my life. There is always a way to serve God more fully. A way to share the struggles of life. A way to give a hand to someone who needs it.

I am amazed at things that God has done!! Someday, I will have a partner again. I am confident in this. Someday, I will have no more fears. For now, I turn them all to my God who stands ready to help, hold and prosper me. I will always be dependent on God. He is my life. He is the source of who I am. I can smile, I can sing, I can even dance in the face of fear.

Author: thewidowwomanblog

I am a 53 year old widow who is watching her kids step out into life while holding tight to the Creator's hand.

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